Adventures in Meme Deconstruction: Part One

Memes, memes, everywhere memes. Pithy sayings, quotes from famous people, and wise adages meant to teach us something about how to live and self-actualize. People post them without thinking about what they really mean. This post is the first in a series deconstructing popular sayings.

 This morning, I read a quote from Brené Brown on Facebook that made me pause. “True belonging never asks us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” Now, at face value this sounds like a good thing, right? Be who you are. However, what it’s really saying is belonging is your responsibility.  If you don’t feel like you belong, it’s because you’re not being who you are.

 I know, who am I to question the wisdom of Brené Brown? But, here’s the thing, her idea of belonging fits within the American, Calvinist notion of rugged individualism, and comes from the same canon as Ralph Waldo Emerson’s essay, “Self-Reliance.”  The quote comes from her book, Braving the Wilderness, in which she also writes, “We confuse belonging with fitting in, but the truth is that belonging is just in our heart, and when we belong to ourselves and believe in ourselves above all else, we belong everywhere and nowhere.”  

I call bullshit on this. This is the same argument used by lots of self-help gurus; to be self-actualized means you don’t need anyone else. We’ve come 180 degrees from John Donne’s famous words, “No man is an island…” Now, every person is an island, separate from the main. If we are all responsible for our own belonging, then I have no responsibility for helping you feel like you belong. If that’s the case, then why should we worry about DEIJB  (diversity, equity, inclusion, justice, and belonging) training? I don’t need to work at creating a welcoming environment where others feel belonging. I’ll just do what I want, and if you don’t like it, or don’t feel belonging, it’s not on me.

 The truth is, belonging requires safety, trust, and acceptance. It means being valued, respected, and loved for who you are, as you are.  You can be who you are, and still not be valued, loved, respected, or appreciated in a particular setting.

 What if that statement was rewritten, “True belonging doesn’t mean changing who we are, it means being valued for who we are, as we are? That feels better to me.  

 How can you create belonging for others in your own life? Start by getting honest about the stories you tell yourself about others and t yourself. Get honest about your own biases and how these biases affect how you treat others.

 Now, creating belonging doesn’t mean I have to like everyone or accept everything people do. It’s not about being a doormat, or never having an opinion. Creating belonging means you stop expecting people to be other than who they are, and allowing others to be the messy, complicated, complex beings they are.

 

Remember, life’s messy, leave it that way.

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The Ebb and Flow of Life